She was scared. Desperately, mortally scared. She asked herself the same question she was going to ask Fran: if she wanted to escape?Only she didn't know. She couldn't make the decision now. And, when the time came, what decision would she make?Renee collapsed on the bed and the sweat beaded on her body despite the chill in the room. It's the heroin, she told herself. It's the desire for heroin that's making me sweat.But she lied to herself, and she knew it. It was fear--fear that she wouldn't be strong enough when the time came to make a choice. Fear that maybe, just maybe, she would choose to live in her body as an animal, as a manifestation of lust, as nothing.Quietly she cried herself to sleep.When Manuel came again, was it days or hours, Renee wondered dully? He unleashed them and let them sit up and eat bowls of foul smelling soup and bean tacos.Renee wasn't really hungry. She ate mechanically, chewing and gulping her food in a methodical fashion that made it disappear speedily. The supervising TA didn’t even come over to inspect -- he just said, “Mandy, Buddy, go ahead and leave. I don’t need to look at yours. I’ll expect your usual quality write-up.”We nodded, packed up our books, and walked out. At another bench, one guy mumbled something I didn’t catch. I asked, “What did he say, Buddy?”He reported, “The guy said, “Nothing succeeds like success.” You’re wearing that 3Sigma polo, and you have the entire engineering faculty eating out of your hand. The guy’s jealous, I think. Truth is, ALL of us are a little jealous. And you’re kinda scary, in some ways. Maybe that’s not a bad thing.”I nodded and we parted company, while I walked over to catch a ride home with Cindy. I told her about it and she grinned, saying, “The polo shirt has nothing to do with it. But you gotta admit, we actually DO know all this stuff.”I nodded, and she continued: “Mandy, it’s an easy bet that you were in the top 1% of your class in public schools, and moving you from middle-school.
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